Uprising at Ave Maria University & Town - Al Gore (Grudgingly) Hailed as Prophet
May 20, 2012

NAPLES (AP) - Today hoards of Ave Maria University students and faculty and Ave Maria Town residents gathered in massive protest against Supreme Chancellor Tom Monaghan for breaking his promises to everybody.

Despite the many promises that Ave Maria University & Town would be a world class university and viable town for years to come, less than ten years since opening its doors for business, Ave Maria University & Town are today completely underwater.

"I saw that movie, you know the one with Al Gore in it, back in 2006 and spoke to Tom Monaghan about it. He promised me that it wasn't true, and that real Catholics would buy property in Ave Maria Town and invest in the University," said one water soaked resident. "I believed him, I believed that he was a real Catholic! Now what am I going to do? Who would have thought to buy insurance against global warming? I should have insured myself against the promises of Tom Monaghan!"

At a special meeting of both the Ave Maria Town residents association and the student and faculty communio both constituencies voted NO CONFIDENCE in Supreme Chancellor Tom Monaghan and immediately called for his resignation for leading so many wealthy and not-so-wealthy Catholics to invest their money, careers and families into the bottom of the ocean floor.

After refusing to meet with the students, faculty and residents of Ave Maria, the Board of governors released this statement:

The Board of Govenors affirms its full confidence in the Supreme Chancelor Tom Monaghan. We value his visionary clarity and the soundness of his authoritarian (sic). The Board of Govenors rejects the attempt of these pee-ons (sic) to destroy what Ave Maria University & Town has achieved.

"It's like they are all taking drugs or something," said Prof. Henry, Department Head of Psychology. "The fricken place is under hundreds of feet of water, and they are affirming the leadership of this nut-bar! . . . ehm, excuse my frankness, but I just can't believe what I'm reading. These people are idiots!"

After welcoming the comments from the Board of Govenors, the Supreme Chancelor Tom Monaghan announced a change of direction for the University and Town.

"As a businessman, I have learned that being successful means turning lemons into lemon-aid. So, today I am proud to announce a new strategic direction for the University & Town. From this point forward Ave Maria University & Town will be known all around the world as: AQUA MARINA UNIVERSITY & TOWN."

"This exciting new direction will make Aqua Marina University & Town the premier underwater university and town in the world. Not only will it rival Atlantis, but it will have a division one scuba team and snorkel squad. Now Nortre Dame definitely doesn't have that! . . . Oh, and there won't be any abortion clinics underwater either!"

At the press conference, the New Aqua Marina University prospectus was released. Detailing the specifics of equipping a whole university and town for operation under hundreds of feet of ocean water.

"No one's investment will be wasted at AMU," the Supreme chancellor said, "this is going to be the lifestyle of the next century. Some thought it was going to be space travel, no underwater living is the next wave of real estate growth and development."

The students, when asked what they think about having been duped into investing in Ave Maria University & Town and now have to take classes and live in a university which is totally underwater.

One student said, "I hate to say it, but Al Gore had it right, he was a prophet of sorts, if only I had listened to what he had to say, if only all of us had just taken a minute and thought about it. I mean, who builds a university where there is even a POSSIBLE risk of it being underwater in 100 years. It isn't a strip mall, its a university! Universities are supposed to exist for 100's of years not 50 to 100. I should have at least erred on the side of prudence when I saw that All Gore movie, but it was all just so politically motivated at the time it was hard to take seriously . . . "

Another student, being underwater, couldn't give a verbal comment on the broken promises and the current plan to equip "Aqua Marina" University with underwater facilities, but did express his disfavor with the unexpected turn of events in what is now sunken Naples, FL. (editorialized content)