Vatican Reaffirms the Nature of the Universe, Homovegans respond

VATICAN CITY - The Vatican published the long awaited Instruction from the Congregation for Catholic Education, today amid much hope that the Catholic Church would finally change its position on the nature of the universe.

Hoards of press, liberal ideologues and sexual revolutionaries across Western Europe, and in metro-America, howled for change and launched a series of attacks in the media painting the Catholic Church as the greatest oppressor of human freedom, but in addition to the usual quarters of protest a new voice was added - the outraged voice of the homovegans.

At the core of this controversy is the age old Catholic belief that the universe, and all things in it, has an essence and that essence constitutes the nature of being, and that being is good. "No it isn't!" was the response from the usual protestors, but now the homovegans have joined in.

"This oppressive dogma limits our freedom to redefine the nature of things," complained one disgruntled adolescent, "it especially keeps me from redefining my own nature and refuses to acknowledge that I'm a homovegan!"

Geoffrey Twiddle, president of the Vegan Rights Campaign, an advocacy group seeking special rights in society for people who redefine their nature according to their gastronomic appetites said,"The Hierarchy is oblivious to our social evolution. Essence does not define one's nature for me, appetite's do. I'm not a homomnivore, I'm a homovegan. The fact is that the 'Instruction' doesn't recognize my need to be treated very special and that really hurts. The Vatican doesn't know how much homovegans suffer in a society that is homomnivore normative, if they did, they would have singled us out. Civil Rights for homovegans is the final frontier! Now that Rome won't allow homosexuals to be priests, they are likely to bar homovegans next! This is why we are fighting this battle now!"

"What is happening to our society?" asks Prof. Gilbert from the Universal Institute of Common Sense. "We have groups of people who think that simply by changing a name, they change their essence. This is ridiculous! William of Ockham made this mistake hundreds of years ago, it's called 'nominalism.' Things have essences, not just names. The universe doesn't change simply because I decide to change a name. A man is a man because that is his nature, even if he calls himself a 'homovegan' or an 'ape' or a 'woman,' he is still a man (although a foolish one). I can't believe we are even talking about this! What the hell is a homomnivore any way?"

Yet despite the social pressure of well funded advocates in business, media and politics, the Catholic Church reaffirmed that the universe has a nature and all things in it have a nature and that nature is good. As a result, men are still men are women are still women according to the Catholic Church, and that is, according to dogma, a good thing. Unfortunately for the Church, it will take more than an Instruction from the Congregation for Catholic Education to convince people of this.

As for now, the Catholic Church will continue only to admit men into its ranks who affirm the objective nature of the universe and all things in it, including the priesthood.